Saturday, July 5, 2008
love
things concernin benji n the group members hav yet to be resolved
i hope the results will b pleasant
haiz right now, suddenly, thoughts bout ericko just came to my mind
n sudden reaction is depressed
LOVE- a 4 letter word tat is so hard to comprehend
sometimes i really wish i nvr noe wats a relationship n live life to the fullest
i shd learn these kind of tricks from hana
im so happy to see how shes enjoyin life wif sch n frens
i wan to b tat way too.. n i really wan it to that way soon
sheena n i r in the same kind of dilemma towards relationship
how we wished we can go out in the nite, stay by the river n cried out our sorrows
n then out of the solemn moment, sheena said sumtin really eye tearin for the moment
tat she wanted to b lesbian wif me! haha
oh sheena, we understand each too much n i think we shd consider being lesbians
haha
tats honestly crazy. we still love boys. but boys in relationship sucks
n sheena's personal msg over msn is really true: love begins wif a smile, grows with a kiss and ends wif a teardrop
tats really so true.. but its not only a teardrop, its like a gallon on tears
n right now, how i wish i hav a passionate bf
someone i can turn to when i hav problems
n shower me wif endless love n i will shower him wif my endless love too
past relationship r lessons learnt
n if i were to get involve again, i will make sure, i will repeat none of it
i wan it to b the magical part of my life
the love, romance, passion n committment
n i hav decided to take up courses to make me busy n fully utilised the cash i have
so november will b swimmin classes n august perhaps dancing classes
attachment will b makin me real worn out for sure
so gotta careful plan my study timings
i need to do well
get my gpa above 3.1?
my bro was telling me "dont blame others, blame urself"
so ya i really gonna pushed myself somewhere to the extend all the info is drilled in my approximately 1.4kg brain.
oh well, life has rotated its meanin around me now
its no longer pleasant, bed of roses
its more like "i wanna go n die than rather goin on"
damn, y must it b this way for me
im feelin so stress, facin the cronicles of life alone..
y me
im so clueless bout how things r goin
at times, i feel like endin off my life by stabbin directly into my small, pumping heart
but i realised, i hav my family, especially my parents tat brought me to the world
i cant do tat just for myself, i cant be selfish
so right now, i rather spend more time at home, though the boredome can really kills n how much my mum n grandma can irritate me, home is still the love tat i can get
im very worried bout my physical appearance
like "am i preety? y i hav so many pimples? y cant i b like those models?"
n the list goes on
im starting to doubt my capabilities
tats not me, its not me
but i donno wat went into me n i start behavin in such a way
"do i hav a nice figure? do boys like me?"
oh gosh, its crazy but its true
akbar n i started to talk alot lately
but most of the time im not interested to listen to wat he says
at the end of the conversation, we argued
but somehow, i felt hes sincere in helpin me to move on over ericko
it really touches me wen he said he still cares bout me
n u noe when someone its at wits end, u will hav the tendency to talk to pple tat you always argue wif
surprisingly, i always wan to talk to akbar now n hes always there somehow to actually entertain me even though its honest or sarcasm
n right now, i really wish to talk to him n hear all hes "comforting words"
hes very objective in hes conversations but he always forgot tat i hav feelings
but then again, im glad he actually still talk to me
we dint meet up for ages eversince hes last bifdae if im not wrong
i wonder how is he now
as in the looks.. haha.. hes such a small fella, but then again, looks don really matter, its the character.. afterall, he got the brains
i prefer havin a partner hu is of a certain intellectual level. its not to match my standards, but somehow, i can learn from it by havin intelligent conversations n can improve my general knowledge
hmmm.. so wat now?
im goin to get back to him? i don think so la
but then i myself donno
yet again, i wan to expand my circle of guy frens
hu noes, i meet one wondeful man n things start to get better
i dono wat the future holds for me
but the challenges im facin in life rite now is abit too much for a soon to be 18 years old
oh my, wen will things start to get better or at least change abit for the better?
wateva the case, i must learn to adapt n accept
i miss the days wen im so carefree, no life changin events to experience
i wan tat kind of day to come back!!
right now, waitin for akbar to call me.. haha
todays conversation will b on life
hes dyin to noe more bout my life la
tmr meetin ericko to pass him the cash then most prob meetin my cousin, shafiq hu is like down wif endless probs
so while talkin to my poor cousin, i will b doin some readin up on sch materials
so as for now, im dyin to talk to benji n settle things off in a proper way
n at the same time to talk to akbar, coz i need to pour out all my sorrows n i like to hear the repsond he will give me like "sha, gd boys dont last. sha, stop this shit n get urself moving. sha, think objectively."
haha its so predictable n very hurting, but i like to hear them at times
sometimes akbar makes a gd person to actually perk ur life coz he will use negative reinforcement.. initally it hurts, but as time passed theres a reason y he do it such a way.
He belives tat negative reinforcement made an impact.
n i think its true
toodles
Labels: comprehend
perspective
10:15 PM
